ALLOW ME
"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear."
— C.S. Lewis (A Grief Observed)
TO HELL AND BACK
Grief is the natural response to pain or loss_ whether physical, emotional, or both_ and it shapes the way we act in hard times. It is not a single emotion but a complex process that influences our thoughts, behaviors, and the way we see the world. While grief is universal, the experience varies from person to person.
I have been experiencing grief, and for me_ what can I say?_ it has been a year from hell. I read that, there are five to seven stages of grief_ some sources even identify twelve. But in my present condition, I can say with absolute certainty that there are at least one million indescribable stages of grieving. The devastating loss I am experiencing is leaving me exhausted.
I have been experiencing grief, and for me_ what can I say?_ it has been a year from hell. I read that, there are five to seven stages of grief_ some sources even identify twelve. But in my present condition, I can say with absolute certainty that there are at least one million indescribable stages of grieving. The devastating loss I am experiencing is leaving me exhausted.
ASTONISHING CONVICTION
Since the very moment we are born, we are placed on death row. We all know this, and yet when the moment finally comes, we cannot prepare ourselves_ because is not in our nature to be ready for such a dark predicament. On the contrary, we feel, with astonishing conviction right up to the last moment, that we will live forever. That very thought, in a way, should suffice to keep us in a state of perpetual emotional grief.
This contradiction_ knowing the inevitable yet refusing to accept it_ is what drives me to the brink of derangement. The unsatisfactory answers and the astonishing freedom some people take to explain comparable nonsense are excruciating to my core.
This contradiction_ knowing the inevitable yet refusing to accept it_ is what drives me to the brink of derangement. The unsatisfactory answers and the astonishing freedom some people take to explain comparable nonsense are excruciating to my core.
- Denial
- Bargaining
- Anger
- Guilt
- Depression
USELESS SHELTER
This work reflects the sorrow I felt after losing my companion of twenty-two years. The melody helps me to stay strong and allows me to explore the many phases of grief, yet at the same time it feels like a fragile, almost useless shelter, trying to protect me from a storm. The music offers a momentary sense of comfort, it cannot undo the loss. It only echos my pain back to me.
The color of the melody gives me space to express different ideas, and the rubato tempo creates the illusion of something good about to happen_ but it never does. Instead, I feel denial; I discern guilt; I detect depression; and I perceive bargaining within me. But most of all, I sense anger raising and gaining territory. And as I play the inexcusable measures, I know it will be a long road before I began to feel like myself again. It surely feels as if pain cannot be fixed.
I do not think my composition is a depressing piece of music. Some might hear melancholy, others might hear romance, and still others will hear joy. But in my present condition, what I hear when I play the piece is vastly unpredictable.
The color of the melody gives me space to express different ideas, and the rubato tempo creates the illusion of something good about to happen_ but it never does. Instead, I feel denial; I discern guilt; I detect depression; and I perceive bargaining within me. But most of all, I sense anger raising and gaining territory. And as I play the inexcusable measures, I know it will be a long road before I began to feel like myself again. It surely feels as if pain cannot be fixed.
I do not think my composition is a depressing piece of music. Some might hear melancholy, others might hear romance, and still others will hear joy. But in my present condition, what I hear when I play the piece is vastly unpredictable.
POISONED EMOTIONS
Of the above phases, anger is what I experience most intensely. I would like to think of it as a profound frustration and disappointment. But who am I kidding? Yes_ of course is ANGER. Grief takes time to diminish, and there's no set schedule for my poisoned emotions to heal.
At times, I think I will be angry and sad for the rest of my life. As Jane E. Brody wrote in a 2018 New York Times article title Understanding Grief: "You never get over it, you get on with it, and you never move on, but you move forward.”
After some time, I mainly carry grief as both sadness and anger, competing each other for a place in my life. This unbearable mismatch between how things are and how things should have been, is so unfair. Time doesn't heal shit, it's a lie, all it does is "sugarcoat" the pain.
This pain
I never had the chance
to say goodbye.
I wanted to see your face
one last time—
just to see you,
to be near you.
But time
does not heal shit.
It only
sugarcoats the pain.
So much left unsaid.
If I had known
all you left behind,
I might not be
this torn apart.
But time
does not heal shit.
It only
sugarcoats the pain.
The pain remains.
You know it does.
It circles.
But time
does not heal shit.
It only
sugarcoats my pain.
This pain
I never had the chance
to say goodbye.
I wanted to see your face
one last time—
just to see you,
to be near you.
But time
does not heal shit.
It only
sugarcoats the pain.
So much left unsaid.
If I had known
all you left behind,
I might not be
this torn apart.
But time
does not heal shit.
It only
sugarcoats the pain.
The pain remains.
You know it does.
It circles.
But time
does not heal shit.
It only
sugarcoats my pain.
ALLOW ME
Thus, allow me to feel pain. Give me space. I am not the first, nor will I be the last, to experience the death of a loved one; therefore, I do not need your pity. I am not a victim. Keep your religious believes buried deep inside your mind _ I do not care for them. They are not pleasant. Above all, keep silent. Don't_ I will be clear on this_ DON'T pretend nothing has happened, wrongly thinking that I should be happy on your own terms simply because you cannot handle my misery.
Know this: when I play this piece, I allow myself to be fully in the moment. I allow myself to be me. There have been moments when I let go, hiding my deepest frustrations, playing Fortississimo as if I am screaming at the whole world: FUCK YOU!_ without fear of being, in any way, out of line.
Know this: when I play this piece, I allow myself to be fully in the moment. I allow myself to be me. There have been moments when I let go, hiding my deepest frustrations, playing Fortississimo as if I am screaming at the whole world: FUCK YOU!_ without fear of being, in any way, out of line.
Thanks for reading!
Music INFORMATION:
- Key: D Major/B Minor
- Parts: Piano Solo
- Duration: 3:30 min
- Measures: 38
- Pages: 4
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